SOME TIMES I CRY
Ironic, how life is cyclical. I was cleaning out some old files on my computer, & ran across this unpublished post from 2012, when I was awaiting finalization of my divorce. WAITING being the operative word. That process did come to completion a few months after I wrote this, which was almost exactly 3 years ago. I fell into a whirlwind new relationship, & thought I had my life’s direction redefined, only to find that, 9 months ago, I entered another tailspin, & another time of WAITING. Ironic, how I found this old post completely accidentally, coincidentally the morning after a friend commented on how some people may think that someone like me who APPEARS to have it all together must surely have moments of feeling down just like everyone else. Or perhaps it was not a coincidence that I found this today? For we were speaking about how people do not like to admit when they are feeling depressed, & that there is no shame in feeling that way, nor in asking for help with it.
Me? If/when I feel that way, I pray. I pray a LOT. I read my Bible. I read inspirational books. I confide in a couple of Godly girl friends. I go out & entertain myself & others. I volunteer my time to help those that are less fortunate (for there is always someone less fortunate.) And I write. A lot. Some of it makes it online, & some of it, like this post, sits unread on my computer.
Both periods of waiting, the one I wrote about in the post below, & the one I am just now leaving behind, were filled with wondering about an uncertain future. Both left me puzzling & pondering life itself. Both inspired me to regurgitate some of my thoughts onto my computer screen, & reflect some of them back onto my friends via social media. And both of them taught me a little more about the act of WAITING on the Lord to guide me.
Please note that I am fine. There is no cause for alarm. I do not cry like I used to cry. Not saying that I no longer shed any tears – that would not be the truth at all. Just that the watershed moments are far fewer than they used to be. The grieving of loss is over, & I am putting my dancing shoes back on! I am ready to leave the former dance partners in the past, fill my dance card, & live & love again! And I am finally going to share this post that I was hesitant to share back on my Facebook page way back then. Maybe it will help someone else pass the time while they are WAITING.
P.S. I DID rappel off of that building, & I have the video to prove it, LOL.
SOMETIMES I CRY
(THE TRUTH ABOUT ME )
There is not a week that goes by, but someone tells me, out of the blue, how much they enjoy reading my Facebook posts. Often, it is someone that I never even really see post anything themselves. Hearing those words is all that someone who thrives on communication like me needs in order to keep writing, so if it seems like I make a lot of posts, well, you have only yourselves to blame, tee hee. I do try to find inspiration in ordinary, everyday things, & when I see it, I think that perhaps someone’s day might be a little brighter if I share it, instead of keeping it to myself. So I post. And I post. And I post some more. When I am posting to try to cheer someone else up, though, it also cheers me up, because SOMETIMES I CRY! I know that there are going to be people who read this that shake their heads & cluck their tongues thinking, “What on earth is she putting on Facebook now?” But that is all right with me. I know that there are those who believe that people should be reserved about what they post & that personal issues should all be private. That is all right, too – for them. But as for me, I believe that this is MY Facebook, & I should feel free to post whatever I feel like posting (as long as it does not hurt other people.)
So here goes: the other truth about me is that I HATE WAITING!!! The past few days I have really been thinking about this topic of waiting, & like Emerson, I always wondered about how much of life is spent waiting. Waiting for anything has always slightly annoyed me. But as I grew older, I began to realize that waiting, if used the right way, can be a very productive part of life. For instance, if one has to wait to resume normal activities after surgery, the waiting is a time of healing. If one has to wait for test results, the waiting can be a time of renewing one’s faith, & drawing closer to God. If the waiting entails getting through trials, then perhaps one can become stronger during that time. Still, I HATE WAITING.
Losing patience, & searching for inspiration, I recalled things I’ve heard about waiting. Ben Franklin said that “He that can have patience, can have what he will.” That sounds good! But then, Abraham Lincoln said, “Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left behind by those who hustle.” Ok, so I guess we are supposed to “hustle” while we are waiting. In his famous poem, “If”, Rudyard Kipling states, “… If you can wait, & not be tired by waiting… then you will be a man, my son.” So, we should hustle, but not to such an extent that we get tired. All right, then. The Bible says, in Isaiah, that those who “wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run & not be weary; they shall walk & not faint.” So there we have the key, I guess, in that we should wait for the Lord, & His timing. Still, I HATE WAITING!
I have learned, for the most part, to make constructive use of the waiting times in life. I would take a book to doctor’s offices (never fails, though – take a good book that you really want to read, & they will get you back immediately, ha ha), take a little walk while waiting on my son to finish practice, check email & return phone calls in between baseball games, file my nails if stuck in traffic, & strike up conversations with strangers while waiting in lines. Waiting times can turn into “Blessing Times”, if we will just let them. But still, I HATE WAITING!
I find myself in an extraordinary circumstance in life currently, where I am in limbo, awaiting actions by others before I may move forward. I’ve read, walked, emailed, talked, & filed my nails plenty, all the while waiting. I must confess, I have become tired by waiting, & sometimes I DO cry! (I do not find that to be a sign of weakness, but rather one of compassion – “Jesus wept.”) I cry because I am ready to move forward. I cry for my children. None of us ever asked for any of this present situation. It just “Is what it is.”
Meanwhile, I stay BUSY! I’ve always told the kids that “THE BEST way to forget your own troubles is to get out & do something for someone else.” So, as I have since I was about 13 years old, I volunteer my time. I try to keep challenged by trying new things. (For those that are wondering, like my former neighbor, who asked me, “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?” when he heard that I am going to rappel off of The Times Building, no, I have not lost my sanity, & no, I am not going through a Mid-Life Crisis, either. I am trying to conquer some of my fears, though, & I think the only way to do that is to just do it!) I work a lot! I do things for self-improvement. Basically, I do all of the things in life that I have always done (well, all except the jumping off of a building part – YIKES!)
The way I see it, each day of life is a GIFT from God! I don’t know about you, but when I give someone a gift, I do so with the hope & expectation that perhaps it is something that they will really enjoy using. I refuse to let my daily gifts of life sit unused, collecting dust, but rather intend to fully experience & appreciate each & every one of them. I realize that God WANTS ME TO ENJOY & USE THE GIFTS HE GIVES ME, INCLUDING THE GIFT OF TIME & that includes the days that are contained in this time of waiting. It’s not that I do not take what is transpiring in my life seriously – believe me, I do take it very seriously. It’s just that I refuse to let it define me, & I am determined to spend each & every day doing a little something to make a difference. At the end of the day, I do not want to imagine God being disappointed that I let my gift sit unused, or that I did not appreciate it. I want Him to know that I relished it, that I cherished it, & that I enjoyed it, as it was intended.
The preacher T.D. Jakes has this take on waiting: “Timing is so important! If you are going to be successful in dance, you must be able to respond to rhythm and timing. It’s the same in the Spirit. People who don’t understand God’s timing can become spiritually spastic, trying to make the right things happen at the wrong time. They don’t get His rhythm – and everyone can tell they are out of step. They birth things prematurely, threatening the very lives of their God-given dreams. – T. D. Jakes”. The Lord knows I waited a very long time to take this “Leap of Faith”. I waited until the timing was right. It was difficult, & some times I cried. But now that I have done so, I am ready for the music to start! I AM READY TO DANCE! I am ready to go out & claim the dreams that God has given me. I hope that I have made the very best use of my waiting time, & I truly am thankful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Now you know the truth about me: SOME TIMES I CRY, I HATE WAITING, & I AM READY TO DANCE! Now, I pray that the wait will soon be over. If you are my friend, & have read this far please pray that for me & my kids – pray that the waiting time will end very soon, so we can get up & dance to the rhythm of the beat which He has orchestrated for us.
(Please remember, though, that if you find yourself in a “waiting time”, & need a friend to read with, talk to, email, volunteer with, or pray with, I am your girl – I’ve had plenty of practice!)
– Lou Lehman Sams
April 7, 2012